I look like everyone else, except I behave differently.
Because of my apparent physical normality and strange behavior, I am avoided. And because I can’t explain what I feel, I am misunderstood.
It feels like you and I are living in the same world, just different realities. Like seeing different images in the same patch of clouds, and neither of us can understand and explain what were seeing to each other.
Both of us wants to fit in.
It is hard for me to conform in a world where progress is moving forward, when I find solace in sameness and repetition.
It is confusing why I find peace in movement and noise, in a world where calmness is in stillness and silence.
You want to understand but its difficult for me to explain. I just cant seem to find the voice to reason and the language to speak whats on my mind.
I will try, I hope my words will suffice.
It’s not that I hate people I just I find it hard to interact with them. I feel anxious when they are around me, especially in a new place with unfamiliar faces.
I’m not snobbish, it’s just that I’m comfortable playing alone and most of the games I play don’t need someone to play with. like lining up and spinning my toys, playing with the keys and ropes, or solving puzzles over and over again.
You might see me flapping my hands around and making strange noise. This is something that helps me feel calm whenever I feel a strong overwhelming emotions, like when Im happy, excited, anxious,or in pain.
Im not trying to annoy you when I ask the same questions and share the same stories over and over again. Like wanting to build a time machine so I could go back to 1980’s and buy VHS tape. The way I express my interest is a bit different, it is exaggerated and unrealistic, more focused and intense.
I feel very nervous and anxious if somebody stares at me. It makes me feel uncomfortable .
I love to spin and jump. I love the feeling I get out if it, it makes me feel good and excited. It helps me let out that extra energy and tension inside my head.
Because of the way my brain process sensory inputs, I am sensitive to sound, even a moderate noise could be deafening to me.
You might find it odd when I play with mud, soil or sand. It’s not that I want to create a mess. I just love to feel its texture and softness.
Routines gives an order to my chaos, it gives me a sense of time. For instance shower is after my trampoline play and it’s bed time after the end credits of Happy Feet. It sounds silly, but this things help me predict what’s going to happen next, giving me a sense of time and control.
I’m not being stubborn, it’s just that it’s comforting for me to use the usual and familiar things. I wear the same clothes, eat the usual meals and be with familiar people. It makes me feel secure and less anxious.
Sometimes I cover my ears when everything is too much, when I feel uncomfortable, and when I’m too overwhelmed.
I know its hard when I’m having a meltdown. You get those stares and glares from strangers. and the usual labels “misbehaving child”, and a “terrible parent”. I get really anxious when I miss some of my routine and I get frustrated trying to express what I need. I get so anxious and confused that I cry, shout, and sometimes I accidentaly hurt myself and others.
I can be loud and irritating sometimes. Ill be imitating words or song from an advertisement for hours. These are my way of talking myself through a difficult process and communicating ideas, because its difficult for me to formulate my own.
I love how I feel when I’m in the water, It feels like a I’m in a different world. It makes me happy when I hear the sound of splashing, see unique colors and experience the silence when I’m underwater.
There are many out there who are just like me but different. Some are obvious while others are unnoticed. From the typical stereotype, the socially awkward geniuses to the opposite end of the spectrum,the intellectually disabled. All with unique and special view of the world, All with idiosyncrasy and similarities, With different strengths and weaknesses
Autism as of now has no definitive cause and cure. Although therapies help us feel that we fit in.
Understanding would help us feel that we belong